Well, it has been a year since I drove myself to the
emergency room with a headache that felt like a stroke. I’ve had about 5
headache free days since then. Although they don’t hurt as bad as they used to,
I’m still having them every day. Either they are getting better, or I’m getting
used to them.
Unfortunately my other symptoms have been getting slowly
worse. In January I finished up my 100 days of running before a trip to the
frigid north of Alaska
Most people that look at me can’t tell there is anything
wrong. I don’t limp all the time. But,
if I go grocery shopping by the time I get to the checkout lane I am leaning heavily
on the shopping cart and praying that I can drive home safely. My left side is
always in some kind of pain, either with numbness and tingling, stabbing pains
or a feeling of swelling that is about to pop, or weakness and heaviness in the
limbs.
My vision is still great, I can still use my arms and legs and
I haven’t wet myself. So, physically speaking I am doing great. I am just
inconvenienced by a limp and the constant need to pee. I am trying to stay
mentally strong through this. Without an
official diagnosis it is easy to be in denial about the state of my condition. But
the steady decline in my physical abilities is becoming harder to ignore.
I am at a toss up here. I want to have an answer in hand officially
as to why I feel this way. I don’t like the preliminary diagnosis phase.
According to the Neurologist my magic number is 9 lesions. I was at 3 in 6
months so who knows how long it will take for a diagnosis. It could be another
several years before we know anything for sure. I also just want it all to go
away and be healed. But for now, 1 year
down. And looking back at it, it hasn’t been all that bad.
I don’t want to write to complain or ask for sympathy. This
is more of a way to share what is going on with me. When I say I’m ok, it means I hurt but I am
managing to be ok. When I say I am great that means I am pain free for the
moment. So that’s my code. I won’t be going to the doctor again until probably
July and might be undergoing another MRI at my 1 year from last MRI point. I
don’t know yet. It is still uncertain
but I am learning to be ok with that.
Through this I am learning to be more patient and sensitive.
I don’t want to be silent about this and hide it like I am ashamed. But I do
want to give hope to other people that are “suffering in silence.” We can be a blessing to others through the
things that are hurting us. We can show
God’s love and sufficiency through hard times.
God is getting me through this. When I am hurting I start praying all
the more.
I am quiet through this because I don’t want to burden people
with what I am going through. I am a normal person just like any one else and
do not need any special treatment or consideration. Just know that if I am sitting quietly it is
not because I am depressed or feeling down. I’m just taking a breather so that
I can face the rest of the day. I am going to need to take more breaks and sit
down when I am tired. Its part of the weakness I am feeling. (The pain in my
left leg and arm feels a lot like growing pains, that deep cold stabbing ache)
Sitting down and messaging my limbs helps to alleviate some of that pain. I am not asking for attention or for others to
stop what they are doing by sitting down, I am just taking a rest before I tire
myself out so much that I won’t be able to walk the next day.
So that is what I am going through right now. I am still positive. I am still leaning on
the Father, knowing that His strength is all that gets me through each day. I
am still teaching my children, keeping my house clean and being the best Child
of God, Wife, mother and friend that I know how to be. I still need people in my life, so those of
you that are afraid to talk to me because of my “condition” please don’t be. I’m
still me, and I’m not going to talk to you about what is going on unless you
ask me because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or sorry for me.
God has richly blessed me and my family for many years. This
is just one of those trials in life that I am meant to face. Prayerfully I do it with grace, showing that
my God is sufficient through All things.
It has taken me over a week to write this because I don’t
want to complain, I don’t want to keep talking about MS. But lately it seems every conversation I have
revolves around MS. But that is not me;
I am not my “disease.” I am still the
person that will go out of my way to help those in need. I am still that great
listener, and quiet spirit that Loves her God, Family and Country.
So let’s all just go back to being us again. I will keep everyone updated here on the
blog. I will be happy to answer your questions you have about how I’m feeling
for real if you really want to know. But truly I am ok.
Love you all
Brook
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