Where's my reset button???

Have you ever thought to yourself “Where is my reset button?” Sometimes it feels like so much stuff is piled on that it would be so much easier just to press the power button and start over again.  I want to know where my scan disc, defrag and system restore are! How cool would it be if we could run a computer program on ourselves and just fix the problems at home in the comfort of our own pity party?

 

So a non diagnosis, preliminary, diagnosis that doesn’t count until I loose the function of one of my body parts really sucks. I thought I was having one of those episodes, having muscle spasms in my legs like I had just done the hardest workout of my life because I walked across the room, pins and needles and muscle weakness and numbness. This lasted for a week. I believed it was an episode because it was accompanied by severe lethargy and nausea. So I put in a telephone consult to my doctor only to be told that it was probably just a side effect of the medicine that I had been on for the last 6 months.  I didn’t accept that and stopped taking all of it.

 

Here I am a month later. I think the medicine is finally all out of my system because my resting heart rate has gone back up to just under 100 beats per minute, and shortness of breath. I feel like there is a yawn inside me just dying to get out. And lot’s of sighing probably has my kiddos thinking I’m a drama queen. But it’s the best way to catch my breath right now.  Tremors are back and worse. Still having the left sided weakness with occasional muscle spasms, numbness and tingling and shooting pain down both legs. This could all be related to the last month of feeling intense cramping in my abdomen and back that radiates down my legs. It’s like a tight squeeze feeling. Sounds like the hug symptom to me. Yet, I haven’t lost the use of anything so here I am left to wonder is this really MS or am I just going crazy?

 

Running is dreaded right now because of the chest pain and shortness of breath that comes along with it.  I know that if I can get back to it that my heart rate will be lowered by the added health benefits of regular cardio exercise. I know this will help my legs because when they were at their worst I was running every day.  More like a hobble jog, but I was out there doing it every day. This seemed to help when combined with stretching before bed every night.  Maybe it was something else, the arthritis in my back acting up? Who knows, but the uncertainty of life is killing me right now.

 

My husband has promotion testing every year, and this year he tested about a month sooner than he usually does. He/We have to wait a full 4 months to find out if he has been promoted or not. This job also will have us moving some time by the end of the year. But again I don’t know when. Talk about hard to plan your life!  Career, living arrangements and health are all in question right now.

 

Now this leads me to educating my children, writing my books and keeping up with a blog, and painting for church, doing a very involved bible study, wanting to be there for people that are sick and need help but feeling so overwhelmed that I can’t do anything.  This is why I need a reboot, and a system restore. I don’t want to, and I know not to worry because worrying doesn’t do any good. So for now I will just pray for peace and take it a day at a time, a problem at a time. Maybe I will try a little chunk at a time instead of trying to do it all at once.  And that is my rant for today. Today the saying that is over used all the time fits me, I just need to let go and let God. And by this I mean, let go of the worry and let God give me peace that I will do exactly what I need to get done but not necessarily what I want to be done.