Have you ever thought to yourself “Where is my
reset button?” Sometimes it feels like so much stuff is piled on that it would
be so much easier just to press the power button and start over again. I want to know where my scan disc, defrag and
system restore are! How cool would it be if we could run a computer program on
ourselves and just fix the problems at home in the comfort of our own pity
party?
So a non diagnosis, preliminary, diagnosis that
doesn’t count until I loose the function of one of my body parts really sucks.
I thought I was having one of those episodes, having muscle spasms in my legs
like I had just done the hardest workout of my life because I walked across the
room, pins and needles and muscle weakness and numbness. This lasted for a
week. I believed it was an episode because it was accompanied by severe
lethargy and nausea. So I put in a telephone consult to my doctor only to be
told that it was probably just a side effect of the medicine that I had been on
for the last 6 months. I didn’t accept
that and stopped taking all of it.
Here I am a month later. I think the medicine is
finally all out of my system because my resting heart rate has gone back up to
just under 100 beats per minute, and shortness of breath. I feel like there is
a yawn inside me just dying to get out. And lot’s of sighing probably has my
kiddos thinking I’m a drama queen. But it’s the best way to catch my breath
right now. Tremors are back and worse.
Still having the left sided weakness with occasional muscle spasms, numbness
and tingling and shooting pain down both legs. This could all be related to the
last month of feeling intense cramping in my abdomen and back that radiates
down my legs. It’s like a tight squeeze feeling. Sounds like the hug symptom to
me. Yet, I haven’t lost the use of anything so here I am left to wonder is this
really MS or am I just going crazy?
Running is dreaded right now because of the chest
pain and shortness of breath that comes along with it. I know that if I can get back to it that my
heart rate will be lowered by the added health benefits of regular cardio exercise.
I know this will help my legs because when they were at their worst I was
running every day. More like a hobble
jog, but I was out there doing it every day. This seemed to help when combined
with stretching before bed every night.
Maybe it was something else, the arthritis in my back acting up? Who
knows, but the uncertainty of life is killing me right now.
My husband has promotion testing every year, and
this year he tested about a month sooner than he usually does. He/We have to
wait a full 4 months to find out if he has been promoted or not. This job also
will have us moving some time by the end of the year. But again I don’t know
when. Talk about hard to plan your life!
Career, living arrangements and health are all in question right now.
Now this leads me to educating my children, writing
my books and keeping up with a blog, and painting for church, doing a very
involved bible study, wanting to be there for people that are sick and need
help but feeling so overwhelmed that I can’t do anything. This is why I need a reboot, and a system
restore. I don’t want to, and I know not to worry because worrying doesn’t do
any good. So for now I will just pray for peace and take it a day at a time, a
problem at a time. Maybe I will try a little chunk at a time instead of trying
to do it all at once. And that is my
rant for today. Today the saying that is over used all the time fits me, I just
need to let go and let God. And by this I mean, let go of the worry and let God
give me peace that I will do exactly what I need to get done but not necessarily
what I want to be done.
