A glimps inside my insomniac brain...

     I haven't written in awhile. No, that's not true. I haven't posted any of my writings in awhile, mostly because once I post it, it will be true because it's out there on the interwebz for everyone to read.

Bonjour

     On the many nights when I lay in bed awake my mind ponders. I ponder my beliefs, and how they are similar to those around me, yet the polar opposite of others. I think about society, and the world in which my children are growing up, compared to the one where I grew up. I ponder the shape of my face and my high cheek bones, the lines that have developed on my forehead from all the pondering. Hey don't laugh at the randomness, it's my brain.
     Yet every time I sit down to write all that comes out is the complaining. I don't want that to be what comes out of me. There are things in this life that are difficult, but it could always be so much worse. When I am whining about the pain in my legs I should be so grateful that I can still feel them, because some day I may not be able to feel anything or be able to use them at all.
     These thoughts swirl around and around. Pinging off of one another. They are there as I am awake at night. Not that I am worried about these things, they are just thoughts that are there as I can not sleep.

 

     Well since I'm awake and it's about one in the morning, I'll go ahead and tackle all of these brilliant questions that are circling around like buzzards tonight. We'll see how brilliant they are once I've had some time to sleep. You know how ideas always sound so magical as you are falling asleep? That will be the following 5 pages…

     1. When it comes to my beliefs why am I right and you are wrong? Well because I just am. I don't want to debate  about who is right and who is wrong. But be sure that I am not going to try to force anyone to believe exactly how I do, and I appreciate it when this is reciprocated. We, as human beings, are all unique and wonderfully made. We all have opinions, just like that other body part, and we are all allowed to have them {opinions, not the other body part, although you kind of need that…}

     2. Am I willing to listen to others about their view point? Yep. That is what I am good at. I listen, and then listen and then listen some more. Sometimes I will respond but mostly I will listen and only speak when asked a question. Or I will ask a question to get further clarification, but for the most part I will just listen. I try to always think before speaking, but being human, I often fail at the perfection that I strive for. So, if someone has a view that differs from my own, I will listen. I will take what is said and chew on it like cud. (Hey! I just called myself a cow)

     3. How do I educate myself enough to defend my viewpoint? Well, I don't believe that I can ever be educated enough to know with full certainty that my way is the only way. Come on, I'm not a dictator after all; well maybe in my house, but not with everyone else. My deeply held core beliefs are based on hours of study and intimate relationship with the topics. If it isn't important to me, I'm not going to give it my valuable time. Even this time 1:07AM if you are keeping track. I am a Christian. 100% sure on this one, never going to change my mind. I am a "Conservative." I believe in the value of human life, all life was created for a purpose. I believe in working hard and earning a living. I believe in helping those that can't help themselves only until they are capable of helping themselves again, and not enabling bad behaviors. I believe in the value of an excellent education. Although a free education would be great on the wallet, it would cheapen the meaning of having a college degree. What is a High School Diploma worth these days? I believe that Truth and Justice should always prevail, I'm not a big fan of grey unless it's a light shade of paint on the wall. You either lied or you didn't, you sped or you didn't, you cheated or you didn't. There is no kind of broke the law, you either did or you didn't. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, that people shouldn't get divorced and that they should fight like hell to protect their marriage. But mostly I believe in GOD'S LOVE and GOD'S GRACE. You can't argue with either of those, because they are given to all freely. And if my opinion is different than someone else, I still LOVE them, and will only show love.

     4. Because I don't agree with someone 100% does that make me their enemy who is worthy to be called names like bigot, extremist, whacko, etc.? No! Although I have never been called these names, I have been called names that were more in line with the assumptions people make about "the quiet ones." But as you can see, my brain isn't so quiet. When I disagree with someone my first response is not to lash out, either in person or on the interwebz.

Again, no I am not perfect and am not trying to say that I am.

 I am really sensitive and get deeply upset by the things that I read on line. I always say to my self "Self, DO NOT EVER, EVER read the comments section of an article, you will only get upset."
 

     But do I listen to self? No, of course I don't. People can say/type the most revolting, thoughtless, uncouth, ignorant, evil, vile, reprehensible, things. How does having a different opinion than someone qualify the verbal attacks, and sometimes even death threats? Do the people that use these terms even know what they mean?

Bigot: a person who is obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group with hatred and intolerance.

Intolerance: unwillingness to accept views, beliefs, or behavior that differ from one's own.

Hatred: loathe, execrate; despise. Hate, abhor, detest, abominate imply feeling intense dislike or aversion toward something. Hate, the simple and general word, suggests passionate dislike and a feeling of enmity.

Extremist: A person who holds extreme political or religious views, especially one who advocates illegal, violent, or other extreme action.

     {would expecting me to jump on the opposite bandwagon also qualify here as bigotry, intolerance, hatred and extremism against my point of view? Yes, I think so. And, I feel I must be clear, as a Christian and a Conservative; I do not treat any group of people with hate, I do not have a feeling of intense dislike or aversion toward any people and I absolutely do not advocate illegal, violent or any other extreme act.}
 

     5. I home school my girls, does that make me think I'm a better parent or that my kids are smarter? No not at all. This is what works best for my family. I think each family needs to find a dynamic that works best for them. I have a debilitating disease that keeps me up at night and makes waking up before 9AM extremely difficult. I will do it if I have to, but I won't be happy about it. And neither will my teenagers. I have noticed that each one of my girls have different needs. #1 and 4 most likely inherited some dyslexia and failure to spell adequately abilities from me. (But isn't that why some really smart people invented spell check?) #2 can finish 6 subjects in 3 hours with 99% accuracy, she was so bored in public school. #3 needs verbal, written, demonstrations and reiteration, for her instruction and can take hours to do 1 simple page of school work. And she would be constantly in trouble for "squirrel." So it all boils down to, the fact that they all need a little extra. Whether it's help with focus, there went another "squirrel," getting harder work instead of extra busy work, or teaching the difference between a cursive E and a 3 or a P and a 9. They will all be great some day, right now they are each on the path especially made for them.

     6. Am I qualified to teach? I can't even spell, ~Again some genius created spell check!~  But I sure love math, and science, and reading and art and home economics, and economics, and history, and teaching and PE is awesome! So, here's the deal-e-o yo, I'm not a certified teacher, but I have been gifted as a teacher. I have come to this role kicking and screaming and begging for a different talent! Alas, it is what I do pretty well. I am sure that it helps that I love the topics. It is fun to teach the things you know! But my favorite part of teaching has truly been the learning. What I had no clue how to do, or things I memorized for the test (and then promptly dumped so I would have more memory space), I have now learned. I have had to learn something well enough that I can teach it. I am a firm believer in the ability of humans.

God made us in his image, and He is a

pretty smart and talented dude.

He said "Let there be…" and then it just was.

 WOW!

If I could say "Let there be coffee" and it appeared in my hand,

(let me clarify, coffee in a mug in my hand with creamer just how I like it because I like my coffee white.

 It would be weird, and hot, if there were no mug and it just dripped through my fingers, I think that would be a "let there be" failure.)

that would be the coolest super power ever.

 Instead I'll go with this other super power that says

"I can do All things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me."

What is my point? If you really want to know how to do something or to have a new tidbit of knowledge, LOOK IT UP! Study, learn, Do!

     7. Am I doing enough for my family? I think this is a common question that parents that stay home with the children ask themselves. I often think about what it would be like if I went back to work. The last time I had a paying job, as opposed to the volunteer work, was up until the day before my third daughter was born. That was 9 years ago. I don't regret my decision to stay home and take care of my family. It can be so very hard, and very rewarding at the same time. Yet, I get bored when the house is clean, the animals are taken care of, the kids have their work done and are playing, reading, drawing, mess making, and there is "nothing to do." When a trip comes up and we can't afford to send the girls on 'the trip that everyone else is going on,' I feel guilty. If I had a job, maybe we could afford it. But then maybe we couldn't. 9 years ago when I did the daycare cost to pay ratio, I would be breaking even after paying for the gas to get to work every day. The pay check wasn't worth much at that point. Yes it was a pretty good paying job, but it wasn't enough to draw me back. I think about my inability to ensure a future employer that my physical and mental abilities will remain intact. I would have to wake up early in the morning to get the kids back in public school, where they would no longer be able to achieve the same goals as we have at home. No it's not worth it. I am doing enough. I may not be a financial contributor, but what I do is enough.

     8. Am I doing too much for my family? I used to do everything. By everything, I mean everything. I think that the terms control freak or Obsessive Compulsive would not be used inaccurately when describing me, past me. Current me is too tired to care that my standards of clean are not even being met by me. With a fairly recent diagnosis of MS, I am still on the merry-go-round of medicine, or musical chairs if you will. I've tried a few and all have their "fun" side effects. These "fun" side effects have encouraged me to heed the advice of nagging friends to let my children help me, and not correct everything they do. So now they are responsible for their rooms, laundry, the pets and keeping the main areas of the house decluttered of all of their kid junk. My symptoms get worse with stress, and mess brings on the stress.

     9. Who's really in control of my life? Not me! But I sure as heck want to be. At 8PM I take my medication and a sleep aid so that I can fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Yet here it is 2:30AM and I have diarrhea of the mouth, or would it be brain or fingers or thoughts? I am finally getting tired, and feeling the earth's gravitational pull on my body. All these words have been freed from my brain. They are gone so I can sleep. I lay in bed at night planning what I will do with the very next day. But life never happens how I plan it. If I say "I will never…," you better believe that I will end up doing it. So who's in control? The Spirit of God that lives in me, or the flesh? That depends on to whom I have submitted in the moment.

    10. Have I fully submitted to God?  Over and over I have submitted my life to God. I have submitted all that "I own, and all those I love." Unfortunately I have this horrible habit of trying to rescind that offer of submission by doing whatever my flesh wants. I am guilty of repenting and then turning back around. I can see myself on that same cycle of sin that I drew on the board for the kids in Sunday School.

 

Praise God

Get Lazy

Wallow in the mud

Complain about the mud

Repent

Submit to God

Praise God

Get Lazy

Swimming in the mud again. Wow this is really nice mud!

Complaining and asking "Why me?"

Realizing, "Why not me?"

Repent

Submitting to God again…

And on and on the cycle goes.

     Why can't I just stay at the Praising God stage of life? Why can't every day be a mountain top experience of close intimate time with my Savior? Because what are the mountains without the valleys? Just tundra.

 

     Okay 3AM. The words are out. This is long, and just all over the place. Honestly, that is where my brain has been lately. All over the place. I'm not the same Brook I once was. I wanted to be a lighthouse, the mirror that reflected the glory of God to the world. Instead I have been hiding my light in the pages of insanity that have flowed from my fingertips.

     I haven't written about Audrey, because who can write about a wedding when they feel like this? Tired, so tired but can not sleep…. Gaining weight when I hardly eat, losing my mind no matter how fast I try to fill it back up. The faucet is running but I left a few drains wide open. Looking for a way, a treatment that will work for me. But in the mean time, all that I have, all that I am, I will use to the Glory of God.

 

And if you don't agree with me, well, I love you anyway.