Day one of my writing intesive

Today I start a 14-day writing intensive to kick-start myself back into the habit of daily writing.  I find it hard to make time for my writing.  I guess I figure it is selfish to take personal time and escape to a fantasy world in which I must live to make my story come to life.  How can I balance writing and raising a family of four girls {who I am home schooling} two pets and a hubby in the military thousands of miles away from my family?  All my time should be dedicated to my husband and children, right.

            However, after much encouragement over the past several months I know I have to write for my well-being.  I was feeling discouraged about my progress on the story of my heart because I have been working on it for over 12 years and I’m only 62 pages and 18 chapters into one book, and 14 pages and 5 chapters into the other.  I have three other projects that I have started as well.  However, today I only meant to print out the last 10 pages or so to read so that I can get back into the world of which I am supposed to be writing.  It has been almost a year since I have visited this world, so I have forgotten about the last segment written.  Well my printer in its infinite wisdom printed the entire manuscript.  I must admit it looks much more like a book in a stack of paper that thick. 

 

           

 

            Can this really be true?  Am I really an author?  That seems so far out of reach and like I have no right to claim.  Yet it must be so.  I have a manuscript that contains my words thoughts and ideas.  It is a tad bit overwhelming.  Yes, all those pieces of paper have words on them, 34,534 of them to be exact.

            So today, I jump into this challenge with all of the strength I can muster.  With manuscript in hand, I start a two-week journey into the deep recesses of my mind.  If I seem a little different over the next weeks or months or years it is most likely because I am trying to write about the lives of multiple people that are just a figment of my imagination.  I truly want to get this and its sequel story out.  I want to get the project that God has placed on my heart going.  Nevertheless, in the project God has assigned, much prayer and listening for His voice is required.  I think the discipline of writing every day and finishing these two pieces will get me ready and make me a little more confident in doing such a big project for my God.

            Today I give the proverbial middle finger to imposter syndrome.

According to Wikipedia (yes I know, it is not the best source, sue me) “impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments.  Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.”

Why do I have imposter syndrome? Well, I believe I have this lovely syndrome because I don’t think that I deserve to be called an author. So what is my point in all of this? Today I am going to write. I am going to write like my life depends on it, because it really does. 

 

James 4:17

If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do

 and does not do it, it is sin for them.

 

Here I sit, truly believing that I was commanded by God to write.  If I know that He has commanded me to write and I am not doing it then I am sinning. So I will be writing. And praying and waiting on His voice for the guidance I need to write what is truly going to glorify Him.

What are you not doing that you should be doing?  What good are you robbing the world of?  What excuse is the one that keeps you away from your purpose?  I am so ashamed to say that I am just too busy.  So many things have come up over the last few months that just leave me thinking “wow that was meant just for me.”  When God wants you to do something and you won’t bend, He will break you.  I can’t help but wonder if this is why I am being broken litteraly.  Are my legs not working as well, so that I can sit here and write? I know I am overthinking this but, well, it’s okay. My mind is loud and constantly going and sometimes I just have to focus it on one area so that I am not so overwhelmed.  Thankfully I am not the only person to ever overthink something.

Off to fulfill my purpose. What will you do with your time?

 

 

Why I write

Why do I write?  Because I’m good at it? Is it because I am trained to write?  Because it is a good source of income?

             The answer to all of those questions is an overwhelming laughable NO!  I write because I have to.  There is something in me that says demands that I write.  I do not write because I have a million things to get out of my head.  I write because of the pull, the constant prodding to write.  It has nothing to do with me or my abilities.  It is just the drive that I have to write. It is like a craving for salt or sugar, or like I am dying of thirst.  I cannot make this hunger, this urge stop unless I write.  So, I suppose that means my writing is for me and my health.  If I publish something and someone happens to like it or it helps someone else get through his or her day, then it was for a good purpose.

            The unfortunate reality for me is that if I am not writing I am depressed.  I have a deep in my heart, soul and mind sadness.  Funny enough, I often do not recognize why I am feeling this way.  I often allow myself to be overwhelmed by everything happening around me.  Being an introvert, I would much rather be alone in my own thoughts than to stress myself out be being around other people. Knowing this is not helpful at all by the way.  It is in this knowledge that I begin to doubt myself, and the abilities that God has blessed me with.

            I have a very honest and loving friend that recently told me that in doubting my abilities that it is as if I have slapped God in the face!  Me eyes and heart are opening to what He has for me, but it definitely takes much time and prayer.  I do not want to be ruled by fear.  I have the fear of judgment by “my readers.”  I have the fear of misrepresenting God.  However, in typing that, I am immediately reminded that 2 Timothy 1:7 tells us “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

            With this in mind, where does the fear come in?  What has put that doubt in my mind, or the worry that people will not like what I write?  Why does it even matter if people like what I write if I am doing it for me, and to God?  When that is the case, it does not matter at all what other people think.  This, my friends, is also applicable to everything that we do.  What a concept that is.

            I want to write things that will bring joy into the life of my readers.  I want to provide accurate information as well.  I desire to be a light in the world that reflects the light of Jesus.  This is my ultimate goal in life.